Personal Post: Consent

I have dedicated my life to throwing sexy parties, giving people a direct experience of sexual liberation, and being a spokesperson for releasing our limiting beliefs around sexuality

Consent should be enthusiastic,
freely given, informed, specific.
A clear and voluntary choice.
An agreement
made with your voice.

Well, that sounds nice,
with so much clarity
we’ll avoid all that vulgarity
of being misunderstood
or seen as not so good.

Our beloved, perfect peers
can clearly state their unknown fears,
hold up a hand,
a plain command,
a simply stated 
reprimand.

In this perfect world of clear consent
there are two types of people:
The uncomplicated, virtuous, righteous, many,
and the evil, unrepentant, rapist.

<hand raised>
I have a question.
When I see
such simple, basic binary
I wonder if this can really be
so lacking in complexity.

For clarity:
Survivors 
of sexual assault and violence
are never to blame
for their pain.

But your desire for my clear, verbal consent is lazy.
It’s a counter-intuitive power dynamic!
Who’s in charge? 
It’s hazy:
Hands and lips
A movement of the hips
A lovers kiss
Persuasion
Coaxing
Coercion
Convincing
Can I do this?
Can I do this?
Can I do this?
Can I do this?
There’s a pressure to say yes.
We’re trained to say yes.
Sometimes, it feels safer to say yes.

I’ve said yes to doing things I don’t want to do. Last Friday, my friend asked me out to a bar. I was tired, not really in the mood. She said, “Come on, we’ll have fun.” I begrudgingly said ok and went, and guess what? 
I had a great fucking time.

I’ve said no to things I didn’t know I wanted. For years I thought I hated tomatoes. They’re kind of slimy. I picked them off salads, peeled them off pizzas. But a friend of mine grew one in her garden. I didn’t want to be rude, so I had a little bite. 
Turns out I love tomatoes!

We’re all affected by our history
fucked up family 
inherited wounds
shamed for sending nudes.
The noose
of generational abuse.

Some believe, deep down
they are unworthy, bad, and wrong
undeserving of the touch that turns them on
Love, pain, and violence intertwined
Sometimes, it doesn’t register as sexy when it’s kind.

Throw in a breakup
Hearts broken
Wrong words spoken
Re-enacting core wounds on the recently beloved
Wounds from which you thought you were recovered

If we exiled everyone for being a bad ex
there’d be nobody left.

Our bodies hold our stories
We carry trauma in our flesh
Each of us a mystery to unfold
delicately opening the petals of a flower

eye contact
body language
as you would approach a cat
That muzzle nuzzle lets you know it’s time
and then
with passion
when passion’s met

But we are not cats.
If you want something else
Roughness
Harder
More intense
Kinky
Gender play
Restraints 
Toys and whips
Bitten lips
This is when it gets complex
We can’t ignore the context
of our culture’s fucked up attitude to sex.

Why do so many men abuse people?
Why are so many women compelled to please?
Why do boys sever themselves from their emotions?
And why do girls learn to tease?

If your gender
doesn’t quite fit
this absurdly narrow mandate
Your rank, unknown
Fetishized, demonized,
add layers of race, class, “beauty,” disability 
A score is kept to track your worth 
Your fuckability

Many strive to climbs the ranks
with pressure to conform
Bodies changed, desires suppressed
to stay within the norm
If you value yourself on this scale
as the world values you
then along comes that A list ass
asking you to do something you don’t want to do

While we’re here 
A small request
Straight women on the internet
with long and detailed diatribes
what they want, 
what they don’t. 
Allow me to quote:
“Why don’t men know how to fuck anymore?
I want to be pushed up against a wall. 
I want to have my legs kicked open. 
I don’t want to be asked. 
I’m sick of dating pathetic men who don’t know what women want. 
My pussy wants a firm hand, not a limp wrist.”

Honey.
You are part of the problem.
Not all pussies are the same.
Violence cannot be the default
Your little fantasy 
is someone else’s rape. 

Not to yuck your yum
or kink shame
We all like different things… and that’s my point
Expecting men to know?
No.
It's your responsibility to say so.
“It turns me on 
I like it rough
I’ll tell you if I’ve had enough.”

We are varied players
buried under layers.
It’s not so simple
as a clearly stated “yes”
when motivation can be fickle.
Desires blurred
through chronic pain
PTSD
Shame
Manipulation 
Communal substance abuse
Brain fog
Trauma bond
Infatuation

Fear of saying what you want
of being laughed at
losing street cred
Or just wanting to be near
but wrapped up in self hatred

This problem is systemic.
It belongs to all of us.
Yes, we use our words.
But words alone are not enough.